


My smile hides my tears, my laugh hides my screams

by Espresso-Patronum (BucketRogers)



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, a fuck ton of angst, seriously, this shit's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2018-12-18
Packaged: 2019-09-19 18:09:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17006598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BucketRogers/pseuds/Espresso-Patronum
Summary: Tony has tried his best to befriend the Avengers after New York, but whatever he does, it just doesn't work.It's getting exhausting.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Iron Man Yes, Tony Stark...Not Recommended](https://archiveofourown.org/works/576665) by [lilsmartass](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilsmartass/pseuds/lilsmartass). 



> Holy fuck, this is the saddest thing I've ever written. 
> 
> So, all the people who helped with this is a ridiculous list. Thank you to [tinyfurycloud](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyFuryCloud/pseuds/TinyFuryCloud) and hazeldrops in the Stony discord for being wonderful, magical betas tolerant of my rambles.
> 
> Thank you to [Doph](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dophne/), Franz, and [demigodscum](https://archiveofourown.org/users/demigodscum/pseuds/demigodscum) (and honestly everyone in the Stony discord) for all the brainstorming and stopping me when I got too crazy with this.
> 
> As I said in the tags, this fic is angsty as fuck. Heed the tags, and there will be specific warnings at the beginning of each chapter.
> 
> I also should say that Steve is not portrayed that nicely in this fic. This in no way reflects on my actual feelings about him, I love his character, he just ended up the bad guy in this particular fic. He gets better, I promise.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is mostly tame, but it's still pretty sad. The biggest warning is for passing out, Tony does so repeatedly because he doesn't stop to take care of him. Also, Steve gets really mean, says some shitty stuff.

It all started with such a simple statement, a remark that wasn't even intended for Tony in any way. They were on the way back to the tower after a battle and Clint was rambling to Natasha, as always. 

“You know, the SHIELD arrows are awesome and all, but sometimes I wish they could do more. Like explode or something, that'd be so cool!”

Tony had a problem. Even after months of living with the Avengers and fighting battles with them, he still didn't quite click. He felt so stupid about it, but it hurt every time the team organized a night out and didn't invite him. Every time he walked in the room and conversation abruptly stopped. The way Steve bristled whenever Tony was around. All Tony wanted was for them to at least tolerate him, but it seemed that they would rather him not be there at all.  He figured that maybe if he did something nice for them, started contributing more, that would help.

Clint had exploding arrows by the next morning.

\----

The next thing was for Natasha. Again, the discussion wasn't with Tony, she was ignoring him.

She had a mission coming up where she had to be dressed in more fancy, revealing clothes and wouldn't be able to carry her usual gear loadout. By the next afternoon, Tony had made multiple different outfits, all of which had special bulletproof fabric and special compartments for hiding weapons.

He dropped them off at her door, wanting to make a presentation of it, but she avoided him steadfastly.

When he passed her in the hall the next day, she didn't even make eye contact.

\----

Almost a month later, it was getting ridiculous.

Any random night, Tony had taken on at least two projects for the team, not to mention the work he had to do for Stark Industries. Private projects were a silly dream at this point. He hadn't done a safety check on J's code in way too long, but there were other pressing things.

He was making progress with the team, or at least he thought so. Instead of them just being surprised when he gives them new gear, they’ve started asking for stuff specifically. Just last week, he made a new quiver for Clint and redesigned Steve’s suit, at their request.

Earlier in the day, Natasha had asked him to fix a weird shortage issue with the Widow’s Bite and Clint mentioned an update to the bow so it would be more useful in close combat. All relatively simple tasks, but Tony got tired after a while, so he decided to take a break.

“Hey, J, where’s the team hanging out right now?”

“They are all in the commons as of now, sir.”

“Great! Close out all current projects, I think I’m done for the night.”

He hurried up to the common room, excited. When he walked in, Natasha and Clint both looked up at him, almost expectantly.

“Hey, guys, what are you watching?” Tony sat down in one of the armchairs, smiling brightly.

Clint seemed to think that that didn’t even warrant a response. “So, how are you doing on those bow upgrades? And the Widow’s Bite, too?”

Tony hid his disappointment. He had hoped maybe they would talk about something other than tech upgrades, but hey, this was a start, right?

“Well, they’re doing good. I’m almost done with the Bite, the bow might take a little longer. I’ve been working since we got back though, I figured I might just take a break and hang out for a little while.”

He saw the frown on Natasha’s face and he had to do his best not to mimic it. She didn’t say anything, but Steve of course did.

“Tony, we could be called into battle at any moment. It’s really important that those upgrades are done so we have the best advantage in the field.” He gave him the patented Steve Rogers Is Disappointed look and, shocked, all Tony could do was quietly nod.

He quickly got up. “Wow, uh, really keeping me in overdrive, ain’t you? I understand, though, I’ll get right on it. Should have that tech for you by tomorrow, antsy pants.” He gave an attempt at a smile, then hurried back down to the workshop.

“J, open up the team projects and put the workshop on complete lockdown. I’ve gotta finish this tonight.”

“Of course, sir. May I say that you’ve been doing great work recently? However, you should take the time to rest and eat soon.”

“Thanks, bud, but I’m fine. I guess at least you like me being around.” He shook his head, looking over his notes. He was pathetic. His only friend was a damn AI that he built.

\----

He thought he had been tired that night, but that was nothing.

He was supposed to be going all in on prep for the Expo. This time of year, it was always the top priority. Steve needed suit upgrades though. Clint needed more fancy arrows, and Natasha wanted some more powerful electric batons. Steve also had a friend Sam who had a high tech wingsuit, but it was malfunctioning, so he was figuring out how to fix that. He was also supposed to be working out how to adapt the repulsor technology for SHIELD helicarriers. It was too much, but he just couldn’t stop.

Everyone was much more comfortable making requests of him. Steve had even learned how to properly text just so he wouldn’t have to go find Tony every time he needed something. Of course, Tony was finding it impossible to say no. They clearly weren’t interested in being his friend, but at least he could see them happy whenever he delivered their tech. It had been months since his last failed attempt to socialize them.

Months of fulfilling every last demand. Of dropping everything else to fix this or build that. He was exhausted.

He had one of his latest nights in a while, and that was saying something. He stayed up the entire night going back and forth between about 10 projects at once. He tried his best to prioritize the team projects, but there was just so much to do.

When he managed to finish Clint’s poison arrows, it was almost 5 am. He packaged them up and set them by the door so he could deliver them later. He had just laid down to sleep when, because the universe hates him apparently, the assemble alert started blaring through his office.

He suited up, despite feeling like he was going to keel over, and grabbed the arrows on his way out. When he reached the jet, he dropped the package in Clint’s lap without a word. While Steve gave the pre-fight briefing, he kept his mouth shut, no sarcastic quips or remarks.

He was just so tired.

The threat was simple, just some crazy wannabe inventor releasing shitty bots into central park. It should have been easy, shouldn’t have been a huge issue. But in his current state, he was absolutely not prepared to be fighting. He didn’t exactly have a choice. That was until he got hit with a bot’s blast and everything went black.

\----

“So, what’s going on? Why did he pass out? That blast should not have been enough to knock him out.”

Tony groaned softly, clenching his eyes tighter against the bright lights. He didn’t know what he expected, but Steve Roger’s voice asking about his well-being. The next thing he heard was Bruce, and that was certainly a surprise.

“Yes, normally, the blast would not have been enough to disable him, it barely would have stunned him. He’s not in peak condition, though, and just the force behind it was enough to knock him out.”

“Not in peak condition? Come on, Bruce, is he ever? Something else has to be going on for him to be so compromised by a shitty bot blast.”

Bruce sighed, and the frustration was obvious. “Yeah, something else is going on. He’s extremely dehydrated, I have no idea when he’s last eaten, and a scan of his brain shows his stress levels are high enough, he could have passed out without any catalyst.”

Then, Jarvis chimed in.

“It was not requested, but I can provide some valuable data as to sir’s condition. His last consumption of water was 3 days ago, his last meal a week ago, and he has not slept in 72 hours. As Dr. Banner said, if the blast had not hit Mr. Stark, he still would have passed out in due time. I predict he would have completely broken down and lost consciousness within a day.”

There was silence, so Tony finally decided it would be safe to open his eyes. He quickly realized that that was a bad idea.

Bruce was standing at the side of whatever bed Tony was in, looking protective and upset, and that was at least slightly comforting. But Steve was standing on the other side, arms crossed and glaring, and Clint and Natasha were hovering by the door.

They seemed to notice he was awake now, and the look on Steve’s face was impossible to read. The most obvious part of it was how intensely righteous he looked.

“Stark, what the hell were you thinking?! You realize any of us could have gotten hurt because of this stunt!” Tony flinched, but it was small and barely perceptible.

Bruce scoffed at that. “Steve, you can’t be serious? This wasn’t a stunt, this was your fellow Avenger getting hurt in battle!”

“He is not an Avenger, he is a consultant, there is a huge difference! And this disregard for his own well-being is a detriment to the team he’s working with. What if someone else had needed assistance and they got injured because you were out there fighting when you were not in peak condition?!”

Tony just looked down, closing his eyes again. Bruce was shouting back at Steve now, and all the loud arguing was giving him a headache. There was just so much happening, and he wanted to be alone, but of course that could never happen, everyone was gonna argue because he fucked up again. Finally, when he realized that he was getting too heated, Bruce stormed out, leaving Tony alone with Steve, Clint, and Natasha. Immediately, Steve’s rage was turned on Tony again.

He let the lecture continue until Steve stopped to take a breath, and then he looked up and met his eyes. “Just go.”

Steve froze at that. “Dammit, Stark, you can’t tell me to just go! I’m your commanding officer and I’m trying to deal with a mess that you created!”

“I’m not your fucking soldier, Rogers. You’ve already said I am not part of your team, so stop treating me like I’m under your goddamn command. It’s funny that you care so fucking much right now, but you didn’t seem to when I was working through the night to build your team better gear. So you can go fuck off right now and stop pretending you give a shit.”

Steve stared at him, clearly getting riled up. He opened his mouth to say something, but Tony quickly cut him off.

“Hey, Bruce?” The doctor was in the room in seconds. Without looking away from Steve, Tony continued to speak. “I think I’d like to rest now.”

Bruce ushered them all out before they could say a word.

\----

He was made to eat what was practically a four-course meal before he was allowed to leave Bruce’s mini doctor office. He was told to relax, get plenty of food and water, and to avoid unnecessary stress.

Which was about as effective as telling a wall to be transparent.

As soon as he got to his workshop, he pulled up his blueprints for Steve’s suit and started going through potential materials. He needed something to go in the lining that was strong enough to protect Steve from hits or blasts but would also leave the suit flexible enough to fight properly in. It took about an hour, testing out different options and comparing the data to info from Steve’s field tests. When he finally found one that would work, he grabbed what was necessary to put it together.

In the end, it took him about 3 hours to finish the upgrade. He took a breath and examined it one more time before putting it in a box and taking the elevator up to the common floor. Thankfully, Steve was in there alone. He wouldn’t be able to handle the spies right now.

“Hey Capsicle, I finished the suit upgrade.” He grinned fakely, especially when Steve bristled at the nickname.

“What did you change this time? Less spandex, hopefully?”

“Oh, no, of course not. Can’t deprive the world of Captain America’s patriotic ass, can we?” The anger on Steve’s face was worth every moment of having to deal with this.

“Anyways, Steve here’s what I did. I basically created an endoskeleton for the suit. Thin metal, stronger than even the Iron Man armor, but I warped it so it’s flexible, you’ll still be able to move and fight like normal. This should just help prevent extra damage from blasts or hits.”

Steve paused, almost looking grateful before he simply nodded and set the box down. “I’ll test it out in training tomorrow. Have you had anything to eat or drink, Tony? Gotta stay in at least decent shape.”

Tony was taken aback by the sudden concern, but any hope that Steve actually cared was dashed immediately.

“Remember, you’re an asset to the team. You need to be able to fight if a situation arises.”

Tony sighed, disappointed but not surprised. Of course. Even after all the crap that could have happened, Steve still didn’t give a shit about him. “Well, I guess you’d know all about assets, wouldn’t you, Stevie?”

Steve froze, looking shocked and appalled. He opened his mouth to reply, but Tony just kept going. “For someone who’s so determined to follow the rules, you tend to disregard them as soon as your 40s boy toy shows up. You know, for a second there, I actually thought you might care about me, but no, it’s always about your friends and your precious little team.”

For once, Steve was so dumbfounded that he didn’t respond. Tony turned on his heel and got out of there as fast as possible. He felt like absolute trash and hated everything. Except for Steve. He wished he could hate Steve, but he still just wanted them to like him.

God, he was so fucking pathetic.

He didn’t remember anything after getting back to the workshop, other than he was angry, tired, and holding a blowtorch.

\----

When he woke up, he was on the couch. His arm was hurting like a bitch and he felt ridiculously tired, but the most disorienting thing was the sight of Steve standing next to the couch.

“The hell? What’s going on?” He attempted to sit up, but he was overcome with dizziness and immediately fell back.

Steve just frowned at him. “You should go see Bruce. There was a pretty nasty burn on your arm.”

Tony paused and looked down at his arm. Sure enough, it was wrapped in gauze from the wrist to the elbow. “Nah, I’ll be fine. Magical medical fairies fixed me up while I slept.” He grinned weakly.

Steve shook his head. “No, I cleaned it and wrapped it, Tony. You should still go up to Bruce, I did my best, but it's not a perfect fix.”

Tony sighed. “Turning into a damn mother hen, Cap. Fine, I'll go. I'm not worth anything if I can't help in a fight anyways.” It was meant as a joke, but there was just enough truth that it hurt to say it.

Steve frowned at that. “Tony..”

“Dude, I'm just joking around. I love me more than anyone does, I don't need your approval.” He stood up then, forcing himself to ignore the pounding headache creeping in. Before Steve could say any more, Tony walked out.

The way Steve had talked to him, it was almost enough to convince him that he cared, but Tony had been burned before. He wasn't going to rely on the idea that Steve might like him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, second and final chapter!
> 
> Warnings: Again, very angsty, Tony has problems and deserves a hug. Mentions of a suicide attempt, but Steve stops it. There is a (semi) happy ending though!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

A week later, things were beginning to feel different, at least around Steve. It definitely wasn’t friendly, hell, it barely even bordered on civil, and there was still that tension, but Steve didn’t automatically start glowering whenever Tony walked into a room.

Clint and Natasha were still cold to him, only speaking to him while in battle. Tony was used to it by now, so he didn't let it bother him. Or, at least he tried not to.

He paced nervously, watching as Jarvis ran final diagnostics on the wingsuit. Sam was coming over today, and he was the only one who was anything close to friendly with Tony. He had relinquished the wingsuit a few months ago, and Tony had been working on it as much as possible. If this went badly, he didn't know what he would do.

The diagnostic was done, and everything looked fine, so he grabbed the suit and hurried up to the common room. Sam and Steve were sitting around, just chatting. Bucky was with them, though, and Tony hadn't been prepared for that. He almost chickened out and ran back to his workshop. Before he could, though, Sam caught sight of him and waved him over.

He smiled awkwardly. “Hey, Birdman. How was your break? You got to see the family?”

“Yeah, it was good. Excited to be back though. I'm assuming I'm gonna get the suit back sometime soon?”

“Oh! Yeah, here you go.” He grabbed it. “A lot of it was just fixing the tech already there. I managed to get the weight down significantly, so it'll be easier on you in flight, and I think I worked out that weird turning issue you mentioned.”

Sam's face lit up, and that was enough to make Tony brighten up too. Seeing someone so excited and grateful for his work was a fresh change.

“That's awesome! Hey, can I test it out now? I haven't flown this thing in months, I'm ready to get back in the air.”

Tony chuckled. “Yeah, definitely. The tower has protected airspace anyway. I'll meet you up on the roof? I'm excited to see this thing in action.” Sam nodded eagerly, and ten minutes later, Tony was standing with Steve and Bucky watching the man fly around.

Things were good. Steve was tense but wasn't radiating anger for once. Bucky was as broody as always, but it didn't really affect Tony. And Sam was clearly having a ball if his shouts of joy were anything to go off of.

Until he fell.

All of a sudden, Sam was falling, his arms flailing as he tried to get the suit working again. Within seconds, without even really thinking, Tony had the armor on and was speeding out to him. He caught him and quickly flew back. Jarvis did a scan to check for any injuries and, thankfully, Sam was completely fine. He popped out of the armor once they landed and started looking Sam over himself.

“Fuck, Sam, I'm sorry… are you okay? Crap, I- I will fix this immediately. What happened?” He was beginning to ramble, but Sam rested a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, no, relax. It's fine.” He smiled softly. “I didn't die. Hey, it was almost fun, like skydiving.” He laughed then, and Tony almost wanted to cry. Sam wasn't mad, he was having fun and joking about it.

Bucky wasn't too happy though.

Tony felt a hand on his arm and then he was being turned to face the brooding brunette.

“What the fuck, Stark?! He could have died! This is your damn tech, maybe you should make sure it actually works before you make other people act like your fucking guinea pig!”

Tony tensed up, trying to back away. “I said I was sorry, I'm going to figure out what happened, alright?”

Bucky basically growled, but then Sam and Steve were pulling him back. Tony rubbed at his arm where Bucky had grabbed him, frowning at the bruise already forming.

“I really am sorry, Sam. I'll fix this. I promise.” He looked up at Sam nervously.

“Hey, no worries. I'll leave the suit at the shop for you to look at, whenever you get a chance.” He smiled slightly, then led Bucky back inside.

Steve was still there, and Tony couldn't bear to look at him. He tried to walk past him to go inside, but Steve stopped him. He tensed up, ready for the angry lecture.

“Hey, you okay? I saw your face when Bucky grabbed you, you looked pretty shaken..”

Well, that was new. Actual concern for Tony. Of all the things that could have happened, Tony never would have predicted this.

“Yeah. I'm good.” He forced a smile up at Steve. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, he could feel the panic setting in. He had almost caused the death of a friend. It took effort, but he managed to tamp it down slightly, breathing as deeply as he could without Steve seeing.

“You sure? Just wanna make sure you’re okay.” Tony couldn’t get over the look on his face. The idea that he might actually be concerned was a miracle. He couldn’t deal with it though, not now.

“I told you I’m fine, Steve, just leave me be.” He snapped, and it was harsh, but Steve backed off, frowning more now. He just pushed past him, hurrying inside and immediately going down to his workshop.

The first thing he did was go straight to the liquor cabinet. By the time he got there, he’d lost his battle against the rush of overwhelming dread. His hands were shaking so bad that he couldn’t get the bottle open. After several attempts, he cursed and just threw the bottle. It smashed against the wall and shattered, spilling everywhere.

“Shit,” he breathed out, then just reached into the cabinet and grabbed another bottle. He focused enough to open it and slid to the ground. With the state he was in, it only took him about 5 minutes to chug down the whole thing.

He blindly reached up to grab more booze, and that’s when the anger started to set in. Not at Bucky or Steve, or even Clint and Natasha. No, at himself.

He was so fucking stupid. How could he have let that happen? Sam had trusted him to make his gear better and instead, he had almost killed the dude. Inventing was his thing, he was supposed to be good at this shit.

He just can’t do anything right.

Everything he touches just shatters. His attempts to make the Avengers his friends had been rebuffed for months and Steve was only just starting to be friendly, but that would change before long. There was no reason for someone like Steve to actually want to be friends with him. He was a piece of shit, and everybody saw it.

He began to spiral from there. Everything was just falling apart, so he drowned himself in alcohol. By the third bottle, he was completely incoherent and could barely see straight. That’s also around the time that he blacked out.

\----

After ensuring that Sam was okay and that Bucky wasn't going to have an aneurysm, Steve wandered around the tower. He wanted to check on Tony, but it felt weird. The man had been so harsh earlier, surely he wouldn't want anyone around.

Steve still hovered, though, sticking to the adjacent floor and trying to occupy himself. Soon, it had been an hour, and he was getting tired of waiting. He could go see Tony, there wasn't anything wrong with that.

He went to the workshop and pushed open the doors, but almost immediately, he had to jump back. The stench was absolutely unbearable. The room reeked of alcohol and a small fire was burning in a trash can nearby. And Tony was nowhere in sight.

He grabbed the fire extinguisher and managed to put it out, then frowned when he saw what was being burned. It was blueprints and research papers, all the important stuff that was crucial to Tony's work.

There were a few savable papers, but almost all of it was charred and turned to ash. Steve cursed, pulling out what might still be legible, then turned, looking for Tony again.

“Jarvis, hey, can you tell me where Tony is?” When he didn't get a response, he frowned. “Jarvis? You there, J?”

He finally noticed the one computer screen that wasn't damaged and frowned. The program that ran Jarvis's code was open and he was completely shut down.

“Fuck, Tony, what did you do?” He quickly rebooted Jarvis, which thankfully wasn't as hard as it looked. As soon as he heard the manufactured voice, he sighed in relief.

“Captain Rogers,” Jarvis started, “thank you for rebooting me.”

“Yeah, course, now what's wrong? How did all this happen?”

It shouldn't have been possible, but when Jarvis spoke next, he sounded tired and exasperated, but also angry.

“Sir got extremely drunk and attempted to destroy everything. He disabled my abilities so I wouldn't intervene, but I can show you recording of the incident.”

Without Steve asking, a holo screen appeared and started playing a video. Tony was in the corner, sitting on the ground and basically chugging down a bottle of scotch.

After he finished the bottle, he grabbed another and stumbled over to the computers. Steve could hear Jarvis’s protests, but they cut off when Tony pressed a final button.

Steve watched in horror as Tony proceeded to smash everything in sight. The man wasn't even using the gauntlet, he was punching everything full force with his own hand.

When it seemed he ran out of things to smash, he started grabbing stacks of research and dumping them into a trash can. He poured the rest of the alcohol in with it, then lit a match and threw it in.

Then he saw Tony pull a handgun from a drawer and he couldn't watch anymore.

“J, stop the feed. Please tell me he's here, and he's not…” He couldn't even finish the sentence, getting worked up.

“Sir is not dead yet. He's in the room adjacent and he has taken the arc reactor out of his chest. Even a few minutes of not having the reactor is a risk to his health, and he's been there for close to 20 minutes.”

Steve cursed and practically ran into the other room. Tony was on the floor, fast asleep, clutching a gun to his chest. When Steve moved closer, he could see that Tony had been crying, somehow still was, and that the reactor was indeed sitting on the floor in front of him.

He rushed over and checked for a pulse. Tony was alive, but his breathing was shallow. Steve had no clue how long he could be without the reactor, but it had to be put back in soon.

He tried to pry the gun from his hands, but Tony grabbed it tighter and started to talk in his sleep.

“No! No, give it back, I have to… I can't be here anymore…” The brunette started sobbing, trying to pull the gun closer.

Steve’s heart broke at the sight. Tony was completely falling apart in front of him and he had no idea how to fix it.

\----

The first thing Tony noticed when he woke up was the stench. He could smell smoke as if something had been on fire, but the scent of alcohol was twice as strong.

The second thing was that his chest hurt, a lot. A quick glance down showed that the arc reactor was gone. Immediately, he started to panic, and then he saw Steve kneeling next to him holding the reactor, and that just set him off even more.

He really looked at Steve though and, seeing the panic and fear in his eyes, reminded himself that Steve was not Obie. He took a breath and almost started to cry at how bad it hurt.

“Tony? Oh god, Tony, you’re awake. I was going to get the reactor back inside you, but I can’t figure it out, you gotta help, I’m sorry…”

He gulped and nodded slowly. He had just woken up, and now he had to be the calm one here? It took longer, what with Steve’s shaking hands, but he walked him through inserting the reactor. As soon as it was in place, his hand went to it, a subconscious guard to protect it.

He looked back up at Steve and frowned. Instead of angry, like he was expecting, the man looked panicked and scared, like he was legitimately worried.

“Tony, I… are you okay? I came down here and you were just… God, Tony, it was horrible. What’s going on?”

Tony sighed and rubbed his face. “I honestly don’t know. I completely blacked out. The last thing I remember, I was over by the booze cabinet getting wasted.” He gestured lazily to said booze cabinet, then frowned when he noticed it was charred around the edges.

“I had to reboot Jarvis so I could figure out what happened, and Tony, it’s not good. This isn’t good. Something’s going on with you and I’m worried.”

“Listen, I don’t remember anything, so maybe just tell me what I did?”

“Well, for one, you shut off Jarvis. The footage was still recorded, but you made sure he had no way to intervene in anything. And you drank and drank, you just kept drinking. You started setting stuff on fire, all your research, blueprints. Please, what's going on?”

The list was just getting worse and harder to believe, but the evidence was all around him. He’d lost all control.

“How did the arc reactor get out, though?” He looked up at Steve nervously.

“You took it out yourself, Tony.” Steve frowned. “I came down to the lab to talk to you, I saw how shaken you were by what happened with Sam. And I walked in and there was crap on fire and Jarvis wouldn’t respond, and then you were just on the floor with the arc reactor out of your chest.” He seemed to hesitate then, finding the next part extremely difficult. “You had a gun with you, Tony. You were muttering about ‘ending everything’ over and over again…”

Tony looked down. It had gotten really bad, then. Fuck, he hated this. Getting drunk sucked, but blacking out just made it ten times worse, because he had to actually hear about all the things he did.

“Look at me, Tony. I know we’re not exactly the best of friends, but you’ve gotta talk to me. This is bad, I don’t… If you hurt yourself, Tony, and I hadn’t tried to stop it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Just, please… talk to me.”

Tony sighed, hesitating. Was it worth it? Was baring his soul to a man that probably didn’t actually care worth all the stress and frustration?

Eh, screw it. Not like Steve could hate him any more than he already did, could he?

“I wanted to kill myself.” It was raw, and vulnerable, and honest, and saying it absolutely freaking terrified him, but he kept going. “After what happened with Sam, I just didn’t see the point in anything. I can’t do anything right. I try to befriend people, try to welcome them and be kind, and I fuck that up. I resort to building and inventing, giving them gifts, and they just hate me more. And then there’s finally someone who appreciates it and is grateful, and I nearly kill him because of my stupid tech.”

Steve frowned more and opened his mouth, but nothing came out, almost as if he couldn’t figure out what to say. He ended up settling for just ‘Tony,’ quiet and strangely emotional.

“Don’t get teary-eyed on me, Rogers, it’s fine. I accepted that you guys don’t like me a while ago, really. I kept trying still, I thought maybe if I made you enough crap you’d at least tolerate me, but to no avail.” He laughed, but it was bitter and mirthless. “I’m a piece of shit, Steve. Nobody likes me, you’re not alone.”

And then the weirdest thing happened, Steve almost looked upset.

“Tony, no, what the hell are you talking about? You’re not a piece of shit, don’t say that!”

“But it’s true, Steve. Just look at all the crap in here. I’m a mess, so I hide out here and build tech. I overload myself with work and don’t sleep or eat for three days in a row. I can’t even keep up with a few Avengers projects, I’m just not functional.”

“That’s not just a few projects, Tony. I looked at the blueprints, all the schematics. You’ve got so much going on, not just for us. You’re still doing stuff for SHIELD and the company, on top of all of this. No wonder you got so worn out, you never stopped working.”

Tony shook his head, still looking down. This was not a conversation he wanted to be having, but now it was, and he couldn’t escape it. Oh well, might as well go all in.

“I just don’t get why you guys hate me so much. I try so hard, I have been trying, from day one, to be your friend, to be good to you guys. But I can’t for the life of me figure out why you hated me before you had even met me.”

Steve inhaled then, and the shame was clear on his face. Tony waited, not ready to hear what he had to say, but sure he was gonna listen anyway.

“I read your file, the official SHIELD file on you. It had Natasha’s report on you and, as I’m sure you know, it doesn’t reflect the best on you. From the start, we just assumed you were this person that you weren’t. Narcissistic, arrogant, brash, demanding. I think Fury described you as a toddler dressed as a man.

“It was wrong, I realize that now. It was a snap judgment made based on no evidence and I’m sorry. I also see how hard you’ve been working. Tony, all of this is insane. There is no reason you should have been working on this much at once, and don’t say you don’t care because we pressured you into this and I won’t let you deny it.”

For the first time since he woke up, Tony actually made direct eye contact with Steve, and his heart almost broke. There was so much emotion there, guilt and shame and worry, stuff he had never seen from him before, or at least not directed at him.

“I’m not mad at you, Steve. You probably think I should be, but I’m not. I’m just tired of everything being so hard.” He sighed out, resting his head back against the floor.

“I know, and I am sorry. I’m going to fix this somehow, I promise you. But will you promise me one thing?”

Tony hesitated but nodded slowly.

“Go get some rest. Don’t stress about projects for a while, just sleep and relax. You need it. You deserve it.” Steve gave the softest smile, and well, Tony couldn’t quite argue with that.

\----

When he finally slept, it was for over 12 hours, and when he woke up, he felt intensely rested, but also ravenously hungry.

He hurried out of bed and into the kitchen. When he got there, Steve was at the stove. He had already started cooking brunch and there was a steaming cup of coffee on the counter. When he noticed Tony hovering, he smiled and turned to face him.

“Morning. Or, well, it’s almost noon, but technically still morning. I made coffee, you should drink. Food’ll be ready soon.”

Tony thought he was gonna get whiplash. This time yesterday, Steve had been so pissed he was probably ready to punch him, but now he was cooking food for him and preparing coffee.

He nodded slowly and sat at the counter. He watched Steve while he sipped the coffee. Yeah, Steve had been nicer the night before, talking to him and even apologizing, but this was just...weird.

It was relatively quiet while Steve cooked, but it was strangely comfortable. When the food was finished, Steve even sat down and ate with him. The entire thing was weird, but still kind of nice.

That was until Clint and Natasha came into the kitchen.

Tony had the feeling that Steve had talked to them about everything, but it was different. Somehow, it had been easy talking to Steve and explaining his feelings. The idea that two spies with vendettas against him knew stuff that personal was quite unsettling.

About 20 minutes of horrible, awkward, tense silence passed before anybody said anything and it was Clint who broke the silence.

“Hey, so Sam and Bruce are gonna be hanging out here later today. It’s probably gonna be chill, video games and movies. Would you want to join us?”

Tony nearly spit out his coffee. “Yeah, uh, that sounds great.” He grinned slightly. “I’ll kick your ass in Mario Kart.”

Clint laughed at that. “We’ll see about that, Stark. We do tournaments and Steve over here plays dirty.”

Steve rolled his eyes and elbowed him gently. “I don’t play dirty, I’m just better.” That just sparked an argument amongst them about what classified as cheating. Tony couldn’t help the smile on his face. Things were still gonna be weird, but it actually felt like things could be good now.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! You can find me on tumblr at [stonky-gayngst](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/stonky-gayngst) and on Pillowfort at [Espresso-Patronum](https://www.pillowfort.io/Espresso-Patronum)!


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